Why does it have to be so painful just to get out of bed.
It took me 15 minutes this morning because every time I moved, my legs went into spasm, locked at the knees and were like concrete stumps. The thing is that once my calves start to cramp too, it begins to get very painful.
I have to keep trying until eventually they bend and allow me to move. Voila! Out of bed at last and it feels like such an achievement.
I was talking yesterday to an old friend. We were discussing the disadvantages of looking back.
It's difficult when you have a disease that's progressive to do anything other than look back because looking forward is a scary prospect.
Looking back brings memories of how I used to be. How mobile, positive and excited about life I was. I used to make so many plans, didn't achieve the majority but had fun thinking about it nonetheless. The thing is, I don't look back in a happy way, it just makes me sad at how much things have changed for me. I get so jealous when people are marching on with their lives because that's what I should be doing.
But it's not all maudlin. I have 4 very amazing children that still keep me on my on my toes (if only!).
My 16 year old brings with him all the joys of teenager hood and is doing an apprenticeship to become an aircraft mechanic. A 14 year old, a gentle soul who loves his Archery. A 12 year old daughter who thinks she's 21. She's a very keen horserider and little Lilly who is 6. She's working her way through many hobbies at the moment trying to find something that sticks!
Life in our house is all very 'normal' with the usual trials and tribulations of family dynamics.
They very definitely keep me looking forward!
And now I also have India, so there's hope....
I'm so excited about going. It's going to mean a whole new life for me. One with positivity and the ability to plan ahead in a way I can't at the moment. So, while I may get a bit lost in memories at times generally I'm feeling very positive.
PS. is it rude to slip this in www.clairetoindia.co.uk has all details needed for donations....
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